This article appears on the Petaluma Argus-Courier’s website, Petaluma 360. Click image to read the full article.

Divorce was a tragedy that happened to others, not to me. When we married, my wife and I agreed that divorce would not be an option. We were determined to work through every illness, character flaw and financial issue.

We had been married eighteen years, and were living with our two children in a cozy Petaluma neighborhood, when my wife moved out with our children. The court document that was delivered to me the evening of our separation was hard to understand. If I read it correctly, it meant my wife was suing me, not only for separation, but for divorce. I was immediately and unexpectedly cast into a very dark world.

Suddenly I was dealing with court documents and hearings, support payments and preparations to sell our home. I struggled to re-connect with my children and help them with painful, unarticulated emotions, which affected their confidence, relationships, education and faith.

To make matters worse, I was a pastor. Everyone in my church would know by Sunday. As the news quickly spread, I wanted to crawl into a hole for a few months or maybe years. I was the one who helped others. Now I needed care. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I knew God forgives sin. I preached it. Still, I felt guilt and shame for the ways I had hurt my wife and contributed to the deterioration of our relationship.

I found comfort in prayer and reading the Psalms. I held on to the hope that, with time and God’s grace, I would get through this dark time. I found out who my real friends were and was blessed with their support and love. It was the toughest time of my life, but also a time of blessing. I knew I was not walking this valley alone.

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Divorce was one of those tragedies that happened to others, not to me. I knew the value of a life-long marriage. I saw my parents weather many storms in their sixty year marriage and appreciated the beauty of their growing old together. My wife knew the pain of seeing her parents divorce when she was in college. When we were married, my wife and I agreed that divorce would not be an option. We meant it when we said, “in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow.” We were determined to work through every illness, character flaw and financial issue.

We had been married eighteen years and were living with our two children in a neighborhood with great schools when my wife moved out with the children. I was suddenly cast into a dark world I did not choose.

When you lose a spouse to divorce, you’re losing much more. Dreams are lost – of family vacations, holiday get-togethers, or growing old together. The dream of financial security and children going away to college may be jeopardized.

The problems are compounded when there are children involved, no matter their age. Parents struggle to help children deal with emotions they cannot express, but affect their self-esteem, education and work.

Income often goes down and bills go up. There are two homes to support. Legal bills.

People going through separation and divorce rush to settle custody of children and property matters. But emotional issues, like loneliness, anger, resentment, guilt and depression may go unaddressed for years.

Harriet described the loneliness she felt after her separation. “I had absolutely no idea what loneliness was until I found out that my husband was having an affair. I could be in a room full of people and loneliness was there. Loneliness was my constant companion. I would go to bed knowing that my husband was with the other woman, and I would curl up in a ball and burrow down under the covers. I felt like I was just a speck in this deep blackness…cold and alone.”

Time may heal, but time alone does nothing to bring emotional healing. A bitter person can stay bitter the rest of their life. Healing comes from grieving the losses that are part of separation and divorce and working through emotions that sabotage happiness and success.

DivorceCare provides a safe place to voice emotional struggles that impede healing for those recovering from the pain of separation and divorce. DivorceCare offers no quick fix; there are no easy answers. But, there is hope that comes from sharing struggles and hearing the stories of others who are going through similar losses. Healing occurs as participants take responsibility, accept forgiveness and offer forgiveness to those who have hurt them.

DivorceCare is a 13-week video seminar series featuring experts on divorce and recovery topics as seen from a biblical perspective. Each session includes a video seminar and small group discussion of the information presented during the video. Seminar topics include, “Facing my Anger,” “Facing My Loneliness,” “New Relationships,” “Single Sexuality,” “Caring for Children,” “Financial Survival,” and “The Freedom of Forgiveness.”

DivorceCare is offered in more than 13,000 churches around the world. The program is nondenominational and features biblical teaching for recovering from divorce or separation.

Read My Story of Divorce and Hope:  DivorceCare at the Vine Church of Petaluma

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