[From Dww-work]… THE BEST JOKES ABOUT MARRIAGE AND WEDDINGS

The Wedding

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

Marriage

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.

Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo’s fiancee

 

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Jackie Mason

 

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

Montaigne

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man.

Socrates

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

 

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

 

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore …

 

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide

which one.

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

 

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

 

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

 

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

 

A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend. The woman replied, ” A multi-millionaire”.

 

Why do men like love at first sight?

It saves them a lot of time.

 

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don’t have eyes.

 

What’s the difference between a typical man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

 

 

Divorce & Singleness

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope

over experience.

 

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

What’s the difference between men and government bonds?

Bonds mature.

 

Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can understand them.

 

MARRIAGE; WEDDINGS; LOVE; HUMOR; JOKES; MEN AND WOMEN; GENDER